High sensitivity, Empathy and Maintaining a Strong Sense of Self.

You’re such a good listener” & “You should be a therapist” are words I’ve heard many times before.

As are “Don’t take things so personally” and “You’re too emotional.“

These are phrases often said to a highly sensitive person.

Being highly sensitive is still misunderstood. When people call someone sensitive, it is often said with the wrong meaning and intention behind it. The word sensitive has held negative connotations in our society for a long time: like being considered weak, too emotional, or being someone that is overreacting.

But that’s not what sensitivity is. 

Being highly sensitive is a personality trait whereby certain people absorb and sense more information in their environments than others do. It is studied in psychology, and Psychologist Elaine Aaron first coined the term ‘High Sensitivity’ in 1996. Since then, more and more people have been understanding and respecting high sensitivity as a trait that makes people unique and gifted.

Highly sensitive people make up roughly 25% of the population, and it shows up in various different ways for different people. I am highly sensitive, and it manifests for me in many ways. Such as, feeling things very deeply, and being able to absorb patterns of information that aren’t apparent to others. Being highly sensitive also feels like living with the volume of life turned up. And whilst being around beauty, art, nature and connection, this is an incredible gift, it also comes with its challenges.

One of the main challenges for me is how empathetic I am. I have often felt like I pick up on information in my environment more than other people. And I frequently notice unspoken and subconscious behaviours from individuals. This often leaves me feeling like I know what is going on for people, long before they’ve said anything, or before it has been brought to their awareness. 

Having high levels of empathy is a highly sensitive trait. And being able to read people so easily can feel like a lot to carry at times. Being constantly absorbed in experiences, thoughts and feelings of others on a frequent basis, can mean that it is easy to lose yourself along the way. 

If I spend too much time around large groups of people, especially people that demand a lot from me, I get exhausted, snappy, and burnt out. And it is easy when you’re so empathetic, and wanting to be kind to others, to start feeling disconnected from your own experiences. In fact, in the past I have often found myself giving way too much to others, because I ‘understood’ them so much. 

And so, to prevent this from happening now, I am very mindful of implementing strong boundaries to protect my time and energy. I am still constantly learning about myself and what it means to be highly sensitive. But I have already learnt so much about protecting my sense of self. 

And so I want to share some of this knowledge with you today. Here are some key bits of information and habits which I have acquired over the years that have helped me to stay in tune with myself.

First of all 

Environment Matters. A lot.

This is a recent lesson for me, but when I am in the wrong environment, it massively affects me. Whether that is because of the work that’s expected from me, the pace at which people are moving, or the people that I have been surrounded by. It all matters.

The lighting and sound of a space is also huge for me. I can quickly become very stressed from overwhelming sounds, or if the music isn’t fitting the energy in the room. And I am always happy if I’m listening to my favourite music, or I’m in a quiet space/in nature. 

And I think this is applicable to everyone, but for highly sensitive people, it is especially important. I feel most like myself when I am in a quiet space.

I’m still figuring out which environment I will thrive in, but do not forget this tip.

‘Plants that grow beautifully at sea level often perish if they’re taken ten thousand feet up the mountain.’ – Richard N. Bolles

Number Two

Alone/quiet time

Having alone time, or a quiet space to go to, and not being ashamed to say you need that time is so important.

When I was younger I used to put a lot of pressure on myself to always be social, and to say yes to social events constantly. But these days I am happy to say no because my alone time is so important to me. Without it, I will not be the best version of myself.

Number three

Boundaries

You are not everyone’s therapist. I can not stress this enough. I could not count the number of times that people have come to me to tell me their problems.

This is because I’m good at listening, I’m in tune with people’s emotions, and I have a kind heart. It is all part of my sensitive and empathetic nature. 

A lot of the time I love to support my friends, or other people that need it, if I have the capacity for it, and I want to do it. But there are also times when I find that people take advantage of my gifts and overstep the mark. When this happens I implement boundaries. And I do this by cutting conversations short, walking away, or stating that I don’t have the capacity or energy for the conversation. It is important not to give too much just because you can. Put yourself first. 

Another strong boundary I implement is removing myself from people that say, or imply ‘you’re too emotional’, or ‘you feel too much!’. Never, ever, apologise for being who you are and what you feel. In fact, when I come across people like that now, after the anger wears off, I just feel bad for them. At the end of the day it would be sad to not be able to feel and experience the beauty of life in the same way that I do. And I wouldn’t change my sensitivity for the world.

Every day tools

Exercise

As well as having quiet time, things that keep me happy and sane are regular forms of exercise. At the moment it is running, but I used to practice a lot of yoga, and I love dancing. I prefer doing these things alone most of the time, as it’s valuable to have time to connect to myself.

Journaling 

Journaling is a really insightful tool for understanding yourself more. The best way to do it I have found is to write freely, letting out an unconscious stream of thought. And after some weeks have passed, go over your journal pages and highlight the things that need action, or are insightful. This is one of the best tools I have adopted recently from partaking in ‘The Artist’s Way’ course. It can be a life changing tool, if you let it be.

Meditation

I recommend using a channel on Youtube for ten minutes of meditation a day if you can. I don’t always manage this, in fact I rarely do at the moment, but it’s important not to beat yourself up if you don’t practice. I also listen to meditations specifically for sleeping. I have been doing this a lot lately, and Mindful Movement is my go to meditation channel.

Mindful art 

I love the sky. And taking photos of the sky and flowers brings me joy. 

Being in a state of wonder whilst doing this helps me to empty my mind. Whilst simultaneously reminding me of the beauty in the world, and how amazing it is to be sensitive enough to notice it. 

Lastly, I want to finish with a quote by author Glennon Doyle on sensitivity.

“Sensitive isn’t an insult. It means ‘able to sense’. The opposite of sensitive is not strong – it’s insensitive.”

So be proud of who you are. Not everyone gets to feel, notice and experience life like you do.

You have a gift. x

Life as of late: Returning to writing

I have had a very long hiatus from writing.

And I have missed it a lot.

There is something so satisfying about writing a post online and feeling that not only is it good for me to express myself, but that maybe, maybe, just one person might get something out of this today.

As someone who frequently reads blog posts online for the purpose of understanding myself and the world around me, I want to return to contributing to this online space. And since I’ve been away, a lot has happened. And today I am wanting to provide an update as to where I’m at in life:

Currently, I’m going through a lot of change. I recently made the big decision to leave my hospitality job in London that I’d been in for a year and a half, in order to pursue something greater.

The decision to leave my job came from my recent experience of participating in ‘The Artist way’ course. I took part in the widely renowned course by Julia Cameron after being recommended it by my therapist.

This course gave me so many things: new friends, time for quiet reflection, and most all, a new way of thinking. The process I experienced on the course built my self-awareness enough to realise all of the ways that my life wasn’t working for me.

It also taught me that what I can imagine for my life can also become my reality if I allow it to, and if I take active steps towards achieving it.

And so, my first step towards radical change was to start a savings account again. It may seem like a small thing, but this was the first step I took towards building my dream life.

Saving for my future has made me feel empowered, like I am not a victim to my circumstances, and like my dreams matter. I often think of Andy in Shawshank Redemption and his faith in freeing himself by taking one small action each day. Digging away at that tunnel, bit by bit, over the timespan of many years. That is how a savings account feels to me: perseverance and patience.

I have been putting away as much as I can afford each month, which isn’t the easiest process whilst living in London. However, I am managing it. Fast forward a few months and I have begun to seriously work towards the life I pictured in my mind whilst on the artist way course.

So here I am, right in the midst of planning for my potential future, which involves leaving London and working towards a career in photography and writing.

And so, I am picking up my writing again, not necessarily to make money from straight away, but just to express myself, to give back, and because I enjoy doing it.

Sending positive vibes to whoever is out there x

To those saving animals

I have become addicted as of late to looking at the Instagram page of @Picassothewonkyandwacku. 

This is a glorious page where you get to see rescue dogs in the Pacific North-West living their best lives. And not only are the dogs living their best lives, it would seem the owners are too. 

Yes, yes, everyone looks happy on Instagram, but what draws me to this page, besides the absolute joy of seeing happy dogs every day, is the purity of it all. There is such genuine joy on the faces of the dogs, and you can hear it in the laughter of the owners also. 

There must be about ten dogs shown in daily video footage, sometimes two to three times a day. Whether they’re out on their daily strolls in the woods, being fed, or playing with each other. Underneath each video footage there are descriptive captions about each dog and their unique personalities and disabilities.

For this is no ordinary dog rescue home. This is a rescue home for dogs which have disabilities from birth, or from abuse they have suffered. Each one of them seems to have been given the utmost love and care. And as I write this, I think, what more could we hope for in the world really? Love, compassion, care and support for all living beings.

There is Newt, a beautiful leggy dog (unsure of breed) that had its nose bitten off by its mum as a young pup, and yet he is completely full of life, constantly playing with the other dogs. Chewing anything that he can get his mouth over.

Then there is Winnie, one of the sweetest dogs I have ever seen, she is a chunky little thing, and seems to be so patient with the other dogs that sit on her, or play with her in a rough manner. She is often shown in footage to be sat there with her long tongue just hanging out, looking as if she also has a big smile on her face when playing. There is also Picasso who was born with a wonky snout, unbeknown to him, his face is obscure, and he goes about his life as happy as Larry in his rescue home. And lets not forget Pax, the beautiful and intelligent rescue pig.

The beauty and kindness of these people looking after the animals is so apparent in the videos. It shines through the dogs and the page has reached an audience of roughly 300,000 followers on Instagram. And I can see why.

In a world which often seems full of chaos and destruction of the natural world, it is through places like this that bring hope and joy not only to animals, but to everyone viewing the content.

A resounding message is being sent to people that this content has reached, we can all make the lives of animals better, and no animal has to go unloved, no matter its uniqueness, background or difficulties. 

To those that run the organisation, I want to say thank you, thank you for the daily joy and for giving us all hope that we can make a difference. 

Lets show kindness to animals everywhere.

Thinking about our connection with animals

I have sat down to write today, having not planned what to write; but I have one image that keeps playing through my mind this morning, and it is that of a cow.

Not too long ago I was on a coach travelling back home to South England from visiting Northumberland, when I experienced something which changed how I view animals completely.

I had grown up with a mother that had taught me the beauty in nature and to care for animals always, so I’d had a love for animals for a long time; and equally been aware of the love and connection that they bring to us.

Once a year we would travel to Northumberland to see my mum’s friend Ali and her family. A beautiful place with rolling hills, streams, and many farms in the surrounding areas.

Being there with those friends taught me endless appreciation for the natural world. After my mum died when I was a teenager I continued to travel up to Northumberland once a year, sometimes more; always continuing to learn and grow from the animals, the people and the land.

On my most recent journey home from Northumberland, I was travelling by coach when the coach passed by a vehicle carrying cattle. It is hard to put into words what happened next, because I don’t believe it is something that comes from thought, and is easily transferable into words. But as I watched this vehicle pass I could see many cows being carried, who knows where to. There were gaps in the vehicle for me to see the cows through, and as I leaned my forehead onto the glass, feeling bewildered by what I saw passing before me, I locked eyes with one cow that didn’t look away.

In that moment, I felt as though I saw the cow fully. I could see that we were no different. It wasn’t scared to look into my eyes, and I was too encapsulated in the moment to look away. I could feel that it didn’t know where it was going, and that it was being taken somewhere without it’s own choosing.

As the vehicle moved on, I lost its gaze, and a deep sadness stayed with me after that. I longed to save this cow from the system which was trapping it. I knew that at moments throughout my life this image would come up again and tell me to try to help other animals.

‘Every being is the spark of the divine… look into the eyes of a dog and sense that innermost core’

Eckhart Tolle

Eckhart Tolle, the well renowned spiritual teacher, often reminds people of the connection of animals and human beings in his teachings. I have heard him say, that we get so much joy from being around dogs or pets, partially because we recognise our own consciousness in them. If you want to be reminded of being alive, look into the eyes of an animal or your pet, just as I looked into the eyes of that cow.

I hope that one day we will treat animals with more kindness, as we ourselves would like to be treated. We can all work towards changing that, but for now I start here by sharing this story.

A poem: The unconscious dreams

Sweetly we stay, in places we left long ago.

A drifting wave, thoughts travelling the unknown.

A sleepy sea, longing for certainty.

A silence in the space,

And a separation from us.

But who is us, or I, or the boundary in the lines?

For I notice, I am not separate to the sky.

✼

But perhaps it is I who has been drawing the line.

Oh, wont you tell me, just one more time?

No, I say, as I walk across the line.

With the sky in my hand, and into peace, sublime.

Searching for Silence

Growing up in Cambridgeshire, in a house surrounded by fields, I had never given much thought to wanting or needing silence. It was already there.

Walking to school it was there, climbing a tree in the park it was there, and falling asleep, it was there. But when I grew up and moved to other places, my need for silence began to emerge.

Having read Erling Kagge’s Silence in the Age of Noise, I have come to reflect on what silence means to me in my own life now that I have reached my mid-twenties.

Erling Kagge is an author, lawyer, explorer and publisher. Most of his work surrounding silence comes from his expidition to The South Pole. He emphasises his increased value for silence after having trekked to The South Pole. Throughout the book he writes about the importance of achieving silence through serene moments; moments that we don’t always consciously recognise. He conveys how being present for small moments in life can improve our overall ability to be happy; as we empty our brain of thoughts, and make living a more enjoyable experience. 

One of my most memorable moments of silence was not made up of absolute silence; but by a moment in which everything stopped to a very near silence. I was living in Berlin at the time, and I was on my way home from working a late shift at a bar in Neukolln. I was waiting for my bus connection at about three in the morning. I was cold, I was tired, and nobody was around. Kicking my feet on the floor and sighing, my mind suddenly tuned in to the noise of the traffic lights.

As I stood there, everything stopped. I stopped waiting for the bus, I stopped thinking about getting home. My mind was filled with the alternating high and low notes of the traffic lights and that alone. The ticking filled the otherwise silence of the night, and my mind settled. I was happy, and I was at peace.

I made it home that night, and the evening was otherwise mundane. But it was a turning point for me, as I began to appreciate peaceful moments. Sometimes I return to that moment in my mind, stood there in the street that night. I know for some of you who may be reading this, you might think, blimey just listen to the traffic lights and you’ll be happy… but yes, that is what Erling Kagge is trying to tell us. Happiness is in the small and serene moments.

He also states that we don’t have to be filling our days with noise and one hundred activities in order to feel satisfied, and you don’t have to be living in complete silence to feel at peace either. Like Erling, I don’t think that moments of silence have to take place in quiet settings alone, like the empty streets of Berlin. I think we can find meditative moments of silence in music, or in continuous noise, but it is important to feel content in complete silence too.

There are many places throughout the day to gather moments of silence, whether you’re listening to the coffee grinder churning, or to the rain hitting your window. It is subjective, and it is environmental. It is mostly you, and your relationship with your mind. Are you satisfied in that moment, and are you content?

There are so many moments of silence which we do not share with each other, is it because they are better left unspoken; or is it because we do not recognise them as an addition to our happiness?